Thursday, 13 November 2008

Belfast here I come

I'm off to Belfast on Saturday with my friend Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian; for all my long standing fans, this is the same Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian that I went to Madrid with earlier in the year.

And, as per usual, the organisation is shockingly poor. I was on the phone to Catrinder earlier and I had a few questions regarding the trip. Just some simple questions like... What time are the flights? What airport are we flying into? Where are we going to stay in Belfast? What time do we get back on Wednesday? It turns out, between the both of us, the only thing we know is that we have booked into a B and B somewhere in Belfast and we fly out there some time on Saturday. Tomorrow's lunch break will be spent ringing various B and B's in Belfast asking if we have booked with them, whilst Catrinder Mcwinder Wiffendorinian will try and sift through the emails to try and find our flight times.

Work has been a lot nicer this week, with no more important news that involves a mail merge of over 3,000 letters. I've also managed avoid guiding people which means that no one has been sat on the wrong chair, no one has been told were taking a right when were actually taking a left, and no one has had to ensure the most scariest guiding experience of their lives. They say practise makes perfect but in my case I'm not convinced.

I will leave you all with a picture of what happens to me after a bottle or two of wine....

Saturday, 8 November 2008

A Career change is upon me

Apologies to all my avid fans for the lack of posts, I'd like to say its because I'm a dancer in strictly come dancing, or because I'm a singer in x-factor, but in reality it's because I got completely bloody lost out at sea and couldn't for the life of me fine my way back home. I think leaving a trail of plankton was probably my first big mistake. My second mistake was not laminating my map before I set off to tackle my fear of those pesky dolphins. But alas. I survived so no real damage done.

I was at work last Friday, and due to some important information needing to be sent out asap, I had to fold and stuff over 3,000 letters into envelopes. It took ALL day, and to be perfectly honest, it almost broke my spirit. There's only so much fun which one can gain from paper folding all day long. So I then decided to imagine that I was sending out children's Christmas wish list to Santa, and it worked, because it suddenly made the task feel so much more worthwhile. Sadly the rest of my office didn't find my new thinking as helpful.

Well after my Friday of happy thoughts of Santa, I decided to head to my local shopping center and pick up an application to be a Santa's little helper in our grotto! I filled out the form and just before I went to hand it in, I spilt Ribena all over it. So then I had to go back for a second form, but at least I look enthusiastic.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008


A few weeks back, I started playing badminton after work. My work hires out courts and people play for a discount. I had a moment of madness, and agreed to go. I really could do with getting a little bit of exercise.

It has been a few years since I did any form of sport, because to be quite frank I’m terrible at all sports. Sport takes coordination; coordination is one thing that I simply do not have. I even managed to fall off my office chair last week, and my bum landed on the wheel part, I pretended it didn’t hurt but it did.

During my first week, I walked in, went to pay then asked if I could hire a ‘bat’. I also failed to get any of the shuttle things over the net, and every game I played I lost. The next day I bumped into a guy from badminton and he suggested I might want to wear something other than jeans.

So here I am, five weeks later and you know what, the only thing that’s improved is my terminology, I now ask for a racket, and I no longer wear jeans but today, for the fifth week running, I got hit in the head with a shuttlecock.

One final point, am I the only person that though Milan was in Spain?!

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Calamity Clare

On Friday, I participated in some training at work called ‘Understanding Sight Loss Training’. It started off well. I learnt all about different sorts of sight loss and how it can affect the eye. I tried on some glasses which are a guide on what it’s like to have certain conditions.

Sadly though, it all went wrong in the afternoon ‘guiding’ session. There were three people in the training who were registered blind, and then the rest of us were people from all over the UK who had recently joined the charity.

Anyway they placed me with a nice chap, who I’m sure the person leading the training said was completely blind. Anyway I started chatting, began the guiding session, and as I began I thought it would be nice to have a natter. So I politely asked (since I was curious) how he’d lost his sight, and was slightly embarrassed when he said he was partially sighted and doesn’t actually ever use a guide as he can get around ok, you would have thought the fact that he was wearing the blackout eye mask thingy would give it away.

Then we approached the stairs. I went full pelt down the stairs forgetting to say about a handrail or where the first step is, nice chappy very nearly fell down the stairs.

Lesson learnt...stick with the office work or even better, the Atlantic.

Another lesson I learnt this weekend was that if you have a flat tyre the best thing to do is to change the tyre, not continue to drive home on it. Apparently that is very dangerous.

Over and out!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

I've lost my appetite

If there's one thing I miss here in the Atlantic; its KFC, Wagamamas, Capri Suns and hunky men.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Party Time!

This weekend I went to a friends party, and, like a typical girl I spent a large amount of the afternoon getting ready, choosing what to wear, my makeup, what shoes, etc. All the important things of course.

The party was brilliant, I only wish I'd remembered to have a shave and hair cut first, since I've been working full time I've really let myself go...

If you don't hear from me for a while it's because some animal fanatic has mistaken me for a gorilla, shot a sedation medicine in my arse and transported me to Timbuktu.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

A few disasters and some handy travelling tips.

I thought I was having a better 'office' week this week. Until Friday. I was the last to leave, and I was told to make sure I shut and lock the filing cabinets, turn off all the lights, turn off the radio, turn off the printer, shut and lock the windows, and set the phones onto answerphone only.

I did manage to lock the filing cabinets, but I have just noticed the keys are in my work bag and NOT the communal office drawer. wooops.

I shut the windows but couldn't for the life of my work out how to lock them. There were no keys, and if there was a lock it was bloody well hidden.

I couldn't put my phone on answerphone only. I tried. I really did. I even accidentally did last number redial and ended up speaking to a nice Irish man. The phones have probably been ringing all weekend.

I also couldn't find the 'off' button for the printer. Seriously I was pushing every button there but not one single one turned the damn thing off. I even tried to follow the wire so I could un-plug it. But I just couldn't follow it. The printer will be on all bank holiday weekend.

I was scared they would be a little cross with me on Tuesday, so I grabbed a post it note, and wrote a little message.... " I'm sorry, I couldn't handle it :( " I better get there very early on Monday and sort this mess out!

At least I turned off the lights and the radio.

That is all for today. I will leave you with some handy travelling tips I learnt this weekend. Enjoy the bank holiday Monday. I brought a cool new winter coat today so if I'm honest I'm rather hoping it snows.

1) When making a journey allow adequate preparation time, 45 minutes is not long enough.

2) When looking for the underground at Kings Cross do not wonder out of the station into a building site. There's no trains there.

3) ALWAYS check whether the tubes are going north or south, east or west. Simply following colours is not enough.

4) If you need the toilet, do it on the train because other wise it costs you 30p for the privilege.


Saturday, 16 August 2008

*NEWSFLASH* - Happy 1millionth to Brad McHarrision. Brad Harrision is currently enjoying a fabulous party. A fabulous party for a fabulous, albeit slightly clumsy man :D.

Some of you may or may not be aware that I, Sharkypants, have recently started a new job. In an office, as an ''admin assistant'' at the regional headquarters of a charity. Or in other slightly less fancy words, I am a paper pusher!

I have now completed my second week, and so far it has gone fairly well, apart from a few minor issues, all of which happened yesterday.

I am still not entirely sure what I am supposed to do in the office. I have spent a large amount of time on solitaire, hearts, freecell. Not minesweeper, I have never understood that game. My boss on numerous occasions asks me if I am OK and if I need any help with my 'work'. I always say that I'm doing OK and I don't need any help (well solitaire is a fairly simple game). However, I am beginning to get concerned about the work they think I'm doing. I fear I may well be fired once they find out I am a fraud!

I had a meeting on Thursday. Everyone else took pens, paper etc. I took a Capri sun and an orange.

I was asked to file away some files on Friday. It was a relatively simple task. But I messed up. I panicked. They are now all hidden in my desk drawer untill I find out a solution.

I did some photocopying. But I hit a button by accident and it started churning out page after page of what appeared to be nonsense. I tried to push 'stop' but it didn't stop. When I left at 4.45 I went past the photocopy room and it was still going.

If there's nothing left of the amazon by Monday please do not send any angry tree hugging hippies to me.

I'm off for a relaxing Saturday night swim.

Toodle pips !

*Once again please note all names have been slightly altered partly for anonymity and partly because I like doing it*

Sunday, 10 August 2008

My Operation Was a Success

I have had a very exciting weekend. It began with a 'BBQ' on Saturday night for my friend Alfdawg's 21st, which, due to the unforeseen weather problems, turned into a yummy salad selection with some very tasty desserts. There was rather a lot of wine and other alcoholic beverages consumed. The evening ended with me, Sammy McCoxinain, and Mazzi Drizzle passing out inside our rather smelly tent. Which we attempted to put up with only 4 pegs. Which apparently was not enough. I half expected to wake up in Narnia, fortunately for me, the tent did not blow away. I woke up to pouring rain and a rather bad back, but it was worth it. I managed to contain my theft addiction, and as much as I enjoyed the home made meringues, I didn't steal a single one. I just ate them all instead. But I think that's progress. I had to spoil myself, since I was celebrating my final night of humanhood.

Then in the morning, whilst still in an alcohol induced state I travelled down, with Sammy McCoxinian to Harley Street, where we met with our surgeon, Harold. I was his first ever Human/Shark conversion. He was very nervous. He had done a few mermaids before so Sammy McCoxinian's surgery was fairly straight froward. But never a shark.

Anyway, I must admit, I was nervous as I had to undergo my pledge of allegiance to the sharks. I had to skip around a picture of the Atlantic and promise to be loyal to the cause of shark hood. I underwent my final test, which involved general shark trivia before I finally had to produce my full shark-swim licence then it was full steam ahead to the operating theatre. I double checked with Harold that he was going for a great white. I was worried he might confuse me with Sharon Ozbourne who is still hoping to become a hammer head within the next few months.

Well, I am pleased to inform you all that my surgery has been a total success. I am scheduled to be placed within the Atlantic sometime during the next few days. My fin is a little on the sore side, but other than that I am one happy little shark. I will leave you with a picture of me in my special tank at Harley street.

*All names have been slightly altered in order to maintain their anonymity*

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

The Bus...

The bus is a local city council bus. It smells of wee. I'm the only person that ever gets it, so I hope its not actually me that smells like wee.
Anyway, there are two bus drivers which alternate, both middle/old aged men.
So I get on I smile and politely natter away to them in the hope that they will drop me off outside my work instead of at the actual bus stop which involves a 10min walk. I have been making my skirts a bit shorter, and my tops a bit tighter and most days it works.
Today however, I rushed out of work in time to catch the bus. I almost had to run. When I got to the bus stop I relaxed a bit, and realised I had a wedgie. Stupid cheap asda knickers. So I take a look at the traffic. There's no-one there. But I'm in a mini skirt and tights...its not easy to 'fix'. Sadly I decided to be brave and go for a quick and sneaky pluck of the underwear. I turned away from traffic, did the deed, I fumbled a bit and lets just say it was neither quick nor discrete. Then I hear...BEEP BEEP BEEP. I turn around. Yep. Its the sodding bus. He pulls in, grins and says ''itchy... worms?'' I say ''no just cheap knickers'' and take my seat.
Here's hoping the nice flash of my sharky rear will give me free lifts every day.

I will keep you informed.

People at work don't seem to take me seriously, I've done my best to look intelligent...

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Back on dry land.

I'm used to the exciting life in the Atlantic, life on land is just not as fun. As much as I try and find exciting things to do each day, it begins to get tricky.

Take today for example. I received my deposit back from my uni house, so decided I could go into town and pay in the cheque. My bus journey was quick. Town was quiet. There was no queue at the bank. At this rate I was going to be finished within an hour. Something snapped inside my head as I arrived at the cashier's window, and for some reason, I decided to put my cheques back in my bag and pretend I wanted to close my account. The conversation went something like this:

Me: ''I would like to close my account please"
Cashier: "OK do you have your card with you?"
Me: "No, sorry" - (I do really. Its in my back pocket. I'm just bored.)
Cashier: "I'm afraid we can't close your account without your card"
Me: "Oh right. I don't have a card anymore I lost it out at sea"
Cashier: (smiles) "Hmm right ok, well you need to go back to reception and explain the situation to them"
Me: "Ok, will do, Thank you very much"

So I went to the reception. Spoke to a different lady, sat on a comfy chair, I couldn't help but giggle a bit at how funny the situation was, I kept forgetting I was the only person in on the joke. Anyway, before I realised that I hadn't really thought the situation through properly, I had closed down my entire account. Then I was told to go back to the cashier, hand in a slip, and there, just like that, I was given, in cash, the entire contents of my bank account.

I no longer bank with Natwest.

I have also decided I would like some free fashion advice, so I am sending this picture off to Trinny and Susannah:
I do hope they can help. I just never seem to get my outfits quite right.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

News from the Atlantic...

As you can see from the above picture, I have been keeping busy in the Atlantic. Following on from my Madridian sweet stealing escapades it would appear the Madridian police were not happy at all. Not one bit. I received a telephone call instructing me to returin to Madridian with ALL the stolen goods, report to the police station, and await a formal interview. I was scared. I'd already eaten four. I did not want to be photographed, finger printed and strip searched.

So, with the help of my trusty shark Borris McKingstinian and my good friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, and to protect her from the Madridian police, will be referred to as 'Sammypops McCoxinian', I escaped.

This post is coming to you from the depths of the Atlantic, Borris McKingstinian is protecting me from those pesky dolphins. Our mortal enemy. I am trying to speed up my human - shark conversion surgery because I am not so well camouflaged.

In case anyone is worried about my friend 'Sammypops McCoxinian' she is scheduled in for mermaid surgery within the next few days.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Spanish People...

They are interesting. Why is it that no matter how many times I said to them ''I'm English...I do not understand...'' they still insisted on speaking to me in Spanish really loud and really fast?! As funny as it was, it was a bit embarrassing and it did result in me and my friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, shall be known as 'Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian', to run out of various shops, hotels, and restaurants in fits of giggles.

Anyway, I was somewhat disappointed when I arrived at Madrid to find there was no seaside in sight! I just presumed all of Spain was coastal. And I did have it in my head as Costa Madridian. Geography's not my strong point. But I learnt that there is a palace and a cathedral there, and also that the Spanish people do not find it funny when you take photos of yourself next to the religious statues imitating their poses.

Another thing I have recently learnt is that big pads of A4 sized lined writing paper are called, and pronounced as 'refill' pads, and not pronounced 'rifle' pad. Why thought it was rifle I will never know. Why on earth did someone not tell me sooner?!

It also appears that my dabbling in petty theft at my graduation is beginning to get out of control. Our hotel had two little bowls of sweets on the front desk. I began by just stealing one or two at a time, but then, as I was leaving I couldn't help but empty the entire bowl of sweets in my bag. Twice. I panicked as I went through customs following the 'nothing to declare sign' knowing that I was in possession of stolen goods. If you don't hear from me its because the Madrid police have hunted me down and extradited me back for sentencing.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Graduation Day

PhotobucketThis post is officially coming from a Graduate: Ba Hons Sociology. How posh! I'm still unemployed though. So it's not done me that much good!

Anyway, yesterday was fun. I got to wear a silly hat. I really wanted to steal it. And, like the sensible clever graduate that I am, I decided to weigh up the pros and cons. Hat..prison, Hat...prison food, Hat...scary lesbians in prison, Hat...prison cell. I returned the hat.

However. The uni thought they could charge me £30 for a dirty oven and a few bin liners which were left in my uni halls at the end of first year. I lived with 9 other people in my first year. That's £270 to clean an oven and remove some rubbish. What on earth were they cleaning the oven with, or more importantly what the hell is it made of, solid gold?! I decided to get my £30 back by getting my moneys worth from the 'free' stuff on the day...

1) I drank one bottle of wine to myself. It tasted cheapish.
2) I ate three plates full of food and even asked for desert.
3) I stole a toilet role from the toilet.
4) I 'forgot' to return my wine glass.
5) I was given a sheet of paper with my number on it. I kept that, along with the laminated number 33,34, AND 35.
6) I left my empty bottle of water at our drinks reception. If a bin liner and oven costs £270 to clear up, a single bottle of water must cost at least £35.
7) Mummy shark helped me out and stole 5 Booklets from the chairs in the cathedral. Nice work mummy shark!

For all those addicted to BOPIT, my current high score is 160. Flick it, pull it, twist it, spin it, bopit. Sometimes I find myself chanting the words even when I'm not playing it. I have written to the Bopit HQ and requested a waterproof bopit be made ready for my relocation to the Atlantic.

Anyway, I must be off, I am heading off to the sunny land of Madrid tomorrow. I only realised on Weds that I'm actually going on Sat, and I currently have no Euros, no suitcase, no insurance, no train ticket, no suncream and no meds. Its going to be a frantic few hours but, with a little help from my reliable albeit inflatable kangaroo Gary, and my wise air filled Tiger called Norman, it's nothing Sharkypants can't handle.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Rocket Science

That's right...setting up a blog is like rocket science! For a person whose only decision shes ever made is that she wants to be a shark, there have been a lot of choices for me tonight. I started setting up this blog at 5. It is now 8.30. And yes, I do have way to much time on my hands.

The first tricky thing was figuring out how on earth people register these things. But signing up was the easy part. Then I was asked to name it. That took a while. I wanted a shark themed name, but then I thought people might think its just about sea life and never read. So I decided to trick readers into thinking its about a magical land, when really its all about sharks.

Then once I'd decided on a name I had to choose a background. That was not easy. There were loads to choose from, yet not one reminded me of a shark or a duck. So I went for pink. The colour of my mirror and epilator.

Then I clicked preview blog, and suddenly there was loads of posts! I thought, wow I AM good at this, I've blogged and not even known about it. But that wasn't true. It seemed to be a lot of helpful posts from 'Pete'. I don't know who 'Pete' or if I will ever find him again. But he showed me how to upload a pic. I couldn't decide on the right one, so you have a shark, I drew it all by myself. And a picture of me with my dessert.

Then I pushed the edit layout button. I wish I hadn't. I turned the entire thing black, then green, then pink again. At least I hope its pink. Where are 'Petes' posts when you need them?!

Ok well now you have the history of how this blog was created, I will leave you all in suspense for the next installment.

So far, within 20minutes of this blog being uploaded my profile has been viewed 1 time. I think that might have even been me.