Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Public Toilets

I’m sure everyone can relate to the times your out and about and you need the toilet. 
I have complied a few handy tips to save you all the following embarrassing situations. 

1) When using a toilet on a train be careful of the ones with sliding doors.  Always remember to lock the door.  Failure to do this will result in the door slowly opening on you mid wee to reveal you hovering over the toilet seat with your dress hoisted at your hips in a very undignified fashion.  The person who opened the door on you will not return to their seat to save you embarrassment, they will stand and wait for you to finish so they can giggle at you as you leave.

2) If (due to the lesson learnt from point 1) you decide to use the toilets at a train station.  Don’t be fooled into thinking you can simply squeeze through the gap to save yourself 30p.  It is considerably smaller than you think, or you are slightly larger than you think.  But one way or another the turning prongy thing will get you right in the bum, and it will hurt to sit down for the next day or so.  The best option here is to either pay 30p or wait until you get home. 

3)  Never trust a toilet that has the cubical walls and doors all the way up to the ceiling. Especially in a foreign country.  You will get stuck and no one will understand what you are saying.  No one will help you, and you will be there a while.

4) Always be careful when using a public toilet in a rush.  Even when time is limited check that you have locked the door in the actual lock, and not turned it while the door is still open.  Failure to double check will result in a young child opening the door and looking frightened when then see you squatting over the toilet seat.  Their mum will then have to tell them to close the door.  They will close the door but it will open again.  The best solution is to give up on your wee and wait until you get home.

5)  If you are visiting a seaside beware of pets in the toilet.  Particularly unruly dogs in conjunction to doors that have a large gap between the door and the floor.  The dog will run into the toilets and try and squeeze through the gap to join you in the toilet.  There is not much you can do in this situation other than look very un dog friendly, is to scream and hope it will leave you alone.  *note to readers this situation is specific to Australia but I cannot guarantee it wouldn’t happen in the UK*

I will leave you with one final important piece of information...scotch eggs contain meat.  The bit around the outside is not pastry it is actually sausage meat.