Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Back on dry land.

I'm used to the exciting life in the Atlantic, life on land is just not as fun. As much as I try and find exciting things to do each day, it begins to get tricky.

Take today for example. I received my deposit back from my uni house, so decided I could go into town and pay in the cheque. My bus journey was quick. Town was quiet. There was no queue at the bank. At this rate I was going to be finished within an hour. Something snapped inside my head as I arrived at the cashier's window, and for some reason, I decided to put my cheques back in my bag and pretend I wanted to close my account. The conversation went something like this:

Me: ''I would like to close my account please"
Cashier: "OK do you have your card with you?"
Me: "No, sorry" - (I do really. Its in my back pocket. I'm just bored.)
Cashier: "I'm afraid we can't close your account without your card"
Me: "Oh right. I don't have a card anymore I lost it out at sea"
Cashier: (smiles) "Hmm right ok, well you need to go back to reception and explain the situation to them"
Me: "Ok, will do, Thank you very much"

So I went to the reception. Spoke to a different lady, sat on a comfy chair, I couldn't help but giggle a bit at how funny the situation was, I kept forgetting I was the only person in on the joke. Anyway, before I realised that I hadn't really thought the situation through properly, I had closed down my entire account. Then I was told to go back to the cashier, hand in a slip, and there, just like that, I was given, in cash, the entire contents of my bank account.

I no longer bank with Natwest.

I have also decided I would like some free fashion advice, so I am sending this picture off to Trinny and Susannah:
I do hope they can help. I just never seem to get my outfits quite right.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

News from the Atlantic...

As you can see from the above picture, I have been keeping busy in the Atlantic. Following on from my Madridian sweet stealing escapades it would appear the Madridian police were not happy at all. Not one bit. I received a telephone call instructing me to returin to Madridian with ALL the stolen goods, report to the police station, and await a formal interview. I was scared. I'd already eaten four. I did not want to be photographed, finger printed and strip searched.

So, with the help of my trusty shark Borris McKingstinian and my good friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, and to protect her from the Madridian police, will be referred to as 'Sammypops McCoxinian', I escaped.

This post is coming to you from the depths of the Atlantic, Borris McKingstinian is protecting me from those pesky dolphins. Our mortal enemy. I am trying to speed up my human - shark conversion surgery because I am not so well camouflaged.

In case anyone is worried about my friend 'Sammypops McCoxinian' she is scheduled in for mermaid surgery within the next few days.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Spanish People...

They are interesting. Why is it that no matter how many times I said to them ''I'm English...I do not understand...'' they still insisted on speaking to me in Spanish really loud and really fast?! As funny as it was, it was a bit embarrassing and it did result in me and my friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, shall be known as 'Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian', to run out of various shops, hotels, and restaurants in fits of giggles.

Anyway, I was somewhat disappointed when I arrived at Madrid to find there was no seaside in sight! I just presumed all of Spain was coastal. And I did have it in my head as Costa Madridian. Geography's not my strong point. But I learnt that there is a palace and a cathedral there, and also that the Spanish people do not find it funny when you take photos of yourself next to the religious statues imitating their poses.

Another thing I have recently learnt is that big pads of A4 sized lined writing paper are called, and pronounced as 'refill' pads, and not pronounced 'rifle' pad. Why thought it was rifle I will never know. Why on earth did someone not tell me sooner?!

It also appears that my dabbling in petty theft at my graduation is beginning to get out of control. Our hotel had two little bowls of sweets on the front desk. I began by just stealing one or two at a time, but then, as I was leaving I couldn't help but empty the entire bowl of sweets in my bag. Twice. I panicked as I went through customs following the 'nothing to declare sign' knowing that I was in possession of stolen goods. If you don't hear from me its because the Madrid police have hunted me down and extradited me back for sentencing.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Graduation Day

PhotobucketThis post is officially coming from a Graduate: Ba Hons Sociology. How posh! I'm still unemployed though. So it's not done me that much good!

Anyway, yesterday was fun. I got to wear a silly hat. I really wanted to steal it. And, like the sensible clever graduate that I am, I decided to weigh up the pros and cons. Hat..prison, Hat...prison food, Hat...scary lesbians in prison, Hat...prison cell. I returned the hat.

However. The uni thought they could charge me £30 for a dirty oven and a few bin liners which were left in my uni halls at the end of first year. I lived with 9 other people in my first year. That's £270 to clean an oven and remove some rubbish. What on earth were they cleaning the oven with, or more importantly what the hell is it made of, solid gold?! I decided to get my £30 back by getting my moneys worth from the 'free' stuff on the day...

1) I drank one bottle of wine to myself. It tasted cheapish.
2) I ate three plates full of food and even asked for desert.
3) I stole a toilet role from the toilet.
4) I 'forgot' to return my wine glass.
5) I was given a sheet of paper with my number on it. I kept that, along with the laminated number 33,34, AND 35.
6) I left my empty bottle of water at our drinks reception. If a bin liner and oven costs £270 to clear up, a single bottle of water must cost at least £35.
7) Mummy shark helped me out and stole 5 Booklets from the chairs in the cathedral. Nice work mummy shark!

For all those addicted to BOPIT, my current high score is 160. Flick it, pull it, twist it, spin it, bopit. Sometimes I find myself chanting the words even when I'm not playing it. I have written to the Bopit HQ and requested a waterproof bopit be made ready for my relocation to the Atlantic.

Anyway, I must be off, I am heading off to the sunny land of Madrid tomorrow. I only realised on Weds that I'm actually going on Sat, and I currently have no Euros, no suitcase, no insurance, no train ticket, no suncream and no meds. Its going to be a frantic few hours but, with a little help from my reliable albeit inflatable kangaroo Gary, and my wise air filled Tiger called Norman, it's nothing Sharkypants can't handle.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Rocket Science

That's right...setting up a blog is like rocket science! For a person whose only decision shes ever made is that she wants to be a shark, there have been a lot of choices for me tonight. I started setting up this blog at 5. It is now 8.30. And yes, I do have way to much time on my hands.

The first tricky thing was figuring out how on earth people register these things. But signing up was the easy part. Then I was asked to name it. That took a while. I wanted a shark themed name, but then I thought people might think its just about sea life and never read. So I decided to trick readers into thinking its about a magical land, when really its all about sharks.

Then once I'd decided on a name I had to choose a background. That was not easy. There were loads to choose from, yet not one reminded me of a shark or a duck. So I went for pink. The colour of my mirror and epilator.

Then I clicked preview blog, and suddenly there was loads of posts! I thought, wow I AM good at this, I've blogged and not even known about it. But that wasn't true. It seemed to be a lot of helpful posts from 'Pete'. I don't know who 'Pete' or if I will ever find him again. But he showed me how to upload a pic. I couldn't decide on the right one, so you have a shark, I drew it all by myself. And a picture of me with my dessert.

Then I pushed the edit layout button. I wish I hadn't. I turned the entire thing black, then green, then pink again. At least I hope its pink. Where are 'Petes' posts when you need them?!

Ok well now you have the history of how this blog was created, I will leave you all in suspense for the next installment.

So far, within 20minutes of this blog being uploaded my profile has been viewed 1 time. I think that might have even been me.