Sunday, 31 May 2009

Flashing on Trains

I went to visit a friend last week, Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian. It was a lovely day and we enjoyed a nice picnic. I did get chased by a fat duck which I didn’t enjoy but nevertheless it was a lovely day. On my way back to the Borough I asked a nice woman on the information desk at the station if she could tell me how to get to Peterborough. She looked at me oddly but that may have been because I was humming the Sesame Street Song, but I changed the lyrics in my head to Peterborough it went like this,

“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to PETERBOROUGH!”

Goodness knows how my song writing skills have been overlooked for so long. Had I been able to write our Eurovision song I think we could have been onto a winner.

As I got on my train and sat on my seat, I noticed a few people were staring at me but I thought that was due to my Simon Cowell teeth. They do glow a bit in certain lighting. There was a bit of an incident regarding our toothpaste when I was away. Turns out me and Sammy Mc Coxinian have been cleaning our teeth with extreme whitening gel for the last two months. I have been trying to understand how such a mistake happened but have yet to conclude on that one.

Anyway, the ticket man came and I noticed him looking at me strangely and also noticed his eyes staring a little south from my face. I thought he was a bit of a perve, until I happened to glance down and notice my new top from H&M had fallen right down and was resting on my stomach. My brown tights were pulled up to just under my off-white strapless grotty bra all of which were on full show. Why did no one tell me? People of Sheffield, you let me down.

Trains have never been my strong point, I have a history of getting on the wrong trains, I have a history of ‘forgetting’ to pay, and now thanks to H&M’s poor quality I have a history of flashing.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

A message

This is a message to all men. When you use toilets, especially unisex large toilets please can you put the lid back because I tried to sit on a toilet seat earlier this week and ended up in it.

I probably should have checked the seat was down before I sat on it.

I probably should have better balance.

I probably could have waited until I got home.

But I didn’t and as a result I ended up with a wet bum.

That is all.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

G' Day

I have made a lifestyle decision that I am going to become one of those people that get to hold Koalas all day every day. They are so cute, especially when there stoned which is almost all the time, its like the perfect animal! I am also rather in love with Kangaroos, I got to feed them in the wild and it was the best thing ever. My travel buddy Samantha McCoxinan has decided to scrap being a lawyer and become a dolphin trainer, because the men are all gorgeous and there good with Dolphins and good with kids = the perfect man!

So far in Oz I've had a few unfortunate incidents regarding flashing and a weird foot fetish man that offered $1500 to suck on my toes and a few other rude things, I cant say I was impressed with that, I'm at least worth $5000.

I've seen wild dolphins and been swimming in shark infested waters with my sharky friends, I had a run in with a sea lion which involved the little bugger sneezing on me and covering me from head to toe in snot, and believe me those things have A LOT of snot in there noses! It was gross and it smelt, and if I'm honest I think I even swallowed a bit. I've been stung by a jellyfish, broken one camera so far and drank more goon than I think is humanly possible. I also got swept out to sea on a Kayak and had to be rescued because I got stuck in a storm, apparently they almost had to call search and rescue for me because I was so far out and I was holding my oar up because that's what you do when your in trouble but it was acting as a sail (which I didn't realise!) and was sending me further away, silly me !

I love Oz and think I might have to find a way to live here for ever and ever, the beaches are amazing, and the weather is the best its not even summer and it's boiling! I even have a bit of colour, and also a lot more cellulite, but I guess we can't have it all!

Toodle Pips!

Thursday, 5 February 2009


I thought I had better inform you all that the shark of all sharks is off on a little adventure to the land of Oz. Ever since my failed arson attempt in my office I've realised I'm a lot safer in the other side of the world.It has taken a lot of organisation and planning, which as many of you will know, is most definitely not my strong point. But I can finally announce that I am flight tested, insured, packed - with what appears to be the entire contents of a small pharmacy, and in possession of a valid passport.

I met my friend today for a coffee and a natter, we were chatting about how well I had done in getting everything sorted. She was both surprised and impressed. That was until it came to her second question...have you got your dollars. I totally forgot the money. It was all going so well. Question one...have you packed? Answer Yes. Question two...have you got your money? Answer SHIT...NO! I had a few dollars that people had given me but that was it. It just hadn't occurred to me that I might need money. Coffee was followed by a rather frantic trip to the Holiday Hypermarket where I purchased my dollars. I try and avoid the Holiday Hypermarket at all costs, me and my friend once thought it would be funny to ask for a plane ticket to Iraq. It turns out that the staff there didn't share our sense of humour.That is all for now, I will be back to inform you all of my REAL shark, jellyfish and kangaroo experiences so stay tuned its about to get fun!

Saturday, 31 January 2009

My arson attempt

I left the heater on at work last week. It was a very old heater, but I liked it. I liked it so much I decided it was too good to only be on during office hours, so I gave it an all nighter treat. Unfortunately not everyone agreed with my secret treat for the heater. I think leaving it next to a wooley cardigen may have been a bit of a over sight. But sadly the heaters illegal party was caught, and the poor thing was thrown out in the skip like an old shitty wardrobe. Aparently leaving a heater on over night is a fire risk. I miss the heater, it had so much to live for, but alas, it's gone. Gone but not forgotten. It will always have a special place in my heart.

I will leave you with a very special letter I wrote on the day I had to say bye to the heater...

"Dearest heater,
Thank you so much for keeping me warm, because of you I never got goosepimples.
Love your beloved Sharky pants"

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

The Belfast adventure

I somehow managed to survive Belfast! It was a very nice few days break. A few disasters including almost missing our plane due to getting carried away in Frankie an Bennies, but alas we made it.

The plane was a bit bumpy but that's what you get when you travel cheap. I love Ryanair they even play a cute little personal song when you take off and land ''lets fly, lets fly, fly, fly, ryanaire'' I'm thinking of using it as my X -Factor audition song, I'd like to stand out and I think this might well be the perfect way.

Once we arrived at Belfast and we managed to find our B & B we were given the choice of two bedrooms. One upstairs or one downstairs. My friend Catrinder McWinderwiffendorinian announced to the lady showing us around that we would like a room as far away from people as possible because ''we are quite noisy''. I'm not exactly sure what the lady thought she meant, and she did look somewhat bemused, and continued to show us a room with a big double bed and a single bed. Just in case there was any confusion regarding our relationship I decided to make a big point about me sleeping on the single bed letting Catrinder McWinderwiffendorinian take the double bed. At which point Catrinder clearly not noticing that this lady thinks were a couple says ''Oh its ok Clare you can just get in with me''. The look on the Lady's face was a classic.

The next day after breakfast we went out shopping for the day, and when we returned only the double bed had been made...

We also got to see the lights being turned on in Belfast, and I had the luxury of watching Same Difference Sing. Is it just me or does everyone seem to think about dancing burgers and hot dogs when watching Same Difference perform?