Sunday, 24 August 2008

A few disasters and some handy travelling tips.

I thought I was having a better 'office' week this week. Until Friday. I was the last to leave, and I was told to make sure I shut and lock the filing cabinets, turn off all the lights, turn off the radio, turn off the printer, shut and lock the windows, and set the phones onto answerphone only.

I did manage to lock the filing cabinets, but I have just noticed the keys are in my work bag and NOT the communal office drawer. wooops.

I shut the windows but couldn't for the life of my work out how to lock them. There were no keys, and if there was a lock it was bloody well hidden.

I couldn't put my phone on answerphone only. I tried. I really did. I even accidentally did last number redial and ended up speaking to a nice Irish man. The phones have probably been ringing all weekend.

I also couldn't find the 'off' button for the printer. Seriously I was pushing every button there but not one single one turned the damn thing off. I even tried to follow the wire so I could un-plug it. But I just couldn't follow it. The printer will be on all bank holiday weekend.

I was scared they would be a little cross with me on Tuesday, so I grabbed a post it note, and wrote a little message.... " I'm sorry, I couldn't handle it :( " I better get there very early on Monday and sort this mess out!

At least I turned off the lights and the radio.

That is all for today. I will leave you with some handy travelling tips I learnt this weekend. Enjoy the bank holiday Monday. I brought a cool new winter coat today so if I'm honest I'm rather hoping it snows.

1) When making a journey allow adequate preparation time, 45 minutes is not long enough.

2) When looking for the underground at Kings Cross do not wonder out of the station into a building site. There's no trains there.

3) ALWAYS check whether the tubes are going north or south, east or west. Simply following colours is not enough.

4) If you need the toilet, do it on the train because other wise it costs you 30p for the privilege.


Saturday, 16 August 2008

*NEWSFLASH* - Happy 1millionth to Brad McHarrision. Brad Harrision is currently enjoying a fabulous party. A fabulous party for a fabulous, albeit slightly clumsy man :D.

Some of you may or may not be aware that I, Sharkypants, have recently started a new job. In an office, as an ''admin assistant'' at the regional headquarters of a charity. Or in other slightly less fancy words, I am a paper pusher!

I have now completed my second week, and so far it has gone fairly well, apart from a few minor issues, all of which happened yesterday.

I am still not entirely sure what I am supposed to do in the office. I have spent a large amount of time on solitaire, hearts, freecell. Not minesweeper, I have never understood that game. My boss on numerous occasions asks me if I am OK and if I need any help with my 'work'. I always say that I'm doing OK and I don't need any help (well solitaire is a fairly simple game). However, I am beginning to get concerned about the work they think I'm doing. I fear I may well be fired once they find out I am a fraud!

I had a meeting on Thursday. Everyone else took pens, paper etc. I took a Capri sun and an orange.

I was asked to file away some files on Friday. It was a relatively simple task. But I messed up. I panicked. They are now all hidden in my desk drawer untill I find out a solution.

I did some photocopying. But I hit a button by accident and it started churning out page after page of what appeared to be nonsense. I tried to push 'stop' but it didn't stop. When I left at 4.45 I went past the photocopy room and it was still going.

If there's nothing left of the amazon by Monday please do not send any angry tree hugging hippies to me.

I'm off for a relaxing Saturday night swim.

Toodle pips !

*Once again please note all names have been slightly altered partly for anonymity and partly because I like doing it*

Sunday, 10 August 2008

My Operation Was a Success

I have had a very exciting weekend. It began with a 'BBQ' on Saturday night for my friend Alfdawg's 21st, which, due to the unforeseen weather problems, turned into a yummy salad selection with some very tasty desserts. There was rather a lot of wine and other alcoholic beverages consumed. The evening ended with me, Sammy McCoxinain, and Mazzi Drizzle passing out inside our rather smelly tent. Which we attempted to put up with only 4 pegs. Which apparently was not enough. I half expected to wake up in Narnia, fortunately for me, the tent did not blow away. I woke up to pouring rain and a rather bad back, but it was worth it. I managed to contain my theft addiction, and as much as I enjoyed the home made meringues, I didn't steal a single one. I just ate them all instead. But I think that's progress. I had to spoil myself, since I was celebrating my final night of humanhood.

Then in the morning, whilst still in an alcohol induced state I travelled down, with Sammy McCoxinian to Harley Street, where we met with our surgeon, Harold. I was his first ever Human/Shark conversion. He was very nervous. He had done a few mermaids before so Sammy McCoxinian's surgery was fairly straight froward. But never a shark.

Anyway, I must admit, I was nervous as I had to undergo my pledge of allegiance to the sharks. I had to skip around a picture of the Atlantic and promise to be loyal to the cause of shark hood. I underwent my final test, which involved general shark trivia before I finally had to produce my full shark-swim licence then it was full steam ahead to the operating theatre. I double checked with Harold that he was going for a great white. I was worried he might confuse me with Sharon Ozbourne who is still hoping to become a hammer head within the next few months.

Well, I am pleased to inform you all that my surgery has been a total success. I am scheduled to be placed within the Atlantic sometime during the next few days. My fin is a little on the sore side, but other than that I am one happy little shark. I will leave you with a picture of me in my special tank at Harley street.

*All names have been slightly altered in order to maintain their anonymity*

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

The Bus...

The bus is a local city council bus. It smells of wee. I'm the only person that ever gets it, so I hope its not actually me that smells like wee.
Anyway, there are two bus drivers which alternate, both middle/old aged men.
So I get on I smile and politely natter away to them in the hope that they will drop me off outside my work instead of at the actual bus stop which involves a 10min walk. I have been making my skirts a bit shorter, and my tops a bit tighter and most days it works.
Today however, I rushed out of work in time to catch the bus. I almost had to run. When I got to the bus stop I relaxed a bit, and realised I had a wedgie. Stupid cheap asda knickers. So I take a look at the traffic. There's no-one there. But I'm in a mini skirt and tights...its not easy to 'fix'. Sadly I decided to be brave and go for a quick and sneaky pluck of the underwear. I turned away from traffic, did the deed, I fumbled a bit and lets just say it was neither quick nor discrete. Then I hear...BEEP BEEP BEEP. I turn around. Yep. Its the sodding bus. He pulls in, grins and says ''itchy... worms?'' I say ''no just cheap knickers'' and take my seat.
Here's hoping the nice flash of my sharky rear will give me free lifts every day.

I will keep you informed.

People at work don't seem to take me seriously, I've done my best to look intelligent...