Friday, 27 May 2011

The one with the Cleaner and the Chicken Fillet


After an unexpected admission to hospital last June I sent mummy shark home to pack some bags for me.  Unfortunately I had just been on Holiday so all my favourite things were still dirty in my suitcase, but as I was in hospital looking good wasn’t high on my list of priorities.  Mummy shark came back with a bag full of the important things, pj’s, towels, toothbrush, clothes etc.  Trouble was she’d picked up my new Primark bra with air based chicken fillets in it. I removed the air fillets and put them in the bag.  I was a bit scared of wearing them and one boob suddenly going pop, and knowing my track record of embarrassing situations I’m sure if it was going to happen to anyone it would be me.  But still, I thought I’d keep them.  There is a lake at the end of our road and if someone drowns I can throw them a fillet as a buoyancy aid!  Or if I wanted to play catch in a room with lots of valuables the air fillet could be handy. You do never know when they might come in useful.  I would advise all readers to have a few ‘just in case’.  Anyway few days later the cleaner was cleaning my floor with a funny looking mop thing when she stopped and stared at the floor looking a bit bemused.  That was when I noticed one of my fillets had fallen out of my bag and was been swept around the floor!  I then had to explain that it was actually a chicken fillet from a bra and yes I do want to keep it.  Not embarrassing at all…

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Words and Phrases

Am I the only one that gets their words and phrases confused?  I am constantly getting myself in a muddle, sometimes people correct you and other times they say nothing but look at you a little oddly, a little like the time at school when I sucked the wrong end of my pen and got a blue mouth.

The other week at work I was chatting with some colleagues about ways she can find another job, I then suggested she elope to a sunny place as I’m sure there’s lots of work going there, I got a really odd look back, turned out I meant emigrate.

While working as a conference assistant I got confused with the coffee jargon…
Conference delegate “Could I have a white coffee please?’’
Me “I’m really sorry but we only have the normal brown coffee or you could have it black?”
Conference delegate “You don’t do white coffee?”
Me “Well I can ask my manager but I really don’t think we do, we have herbal teas if you would prefer?”
Conference delegate “you don’t have milk?”
Me “yes milks just over there, you can help u can help yourself”
Conference delegate “so I can have a white coffee”
Me “I’m really sorry I don’t understand what you want, all our coffee is brown”
Conference delegate “coffee with milk”
Me *penny drops* “I understand now, sorry I don’t drink tea or coffee I don’t understand the lingo, I’ll just get one now for you”

The below happened during a recent hospital stay:
Nurse type bloke “ have you spent a penny today?”
Me “have I spent a what now?”
Nurse type bloke “a penny”
Me “A penny, no I’ve not spent anything today I don’t understand”
Nurse type bloke “ok have you been for a wee”
Me “Ahhhh yes, yes I have thank you”

During a recent conversation with a friend (whose name has been slightly altered to maintain her privacy) I took a question slightly too literally…
Me “I’m writing my blog but I’m getting a bit of writers block!”
Sammy Gangster “what you writing it on?”
Me “Well I write it in word then upload it to the blog”
Sammy Gangster “what hair colour are you?” “are you still brunette?”
Me “i am!”
Sammy Gangster “cause when I asked what you were writing it on, I meant the topic HAHAHA so you should really be blonde ;);)
Me “HAHAHAH!!!!! I’m laughing, god I’m so stupid sometimes”
Sammy Gangster “I did literally laugh when you wrote that, I was like, O dear!!”
Me “LOL I think some people think seriously can she be that bad, but clearly I am, and in answer to your question I’m writing it on misunderstandings of words ironically!”

I have also been known to tell someone that a friend is going to pop her clogs when turned out the phrase I was looking for was bun in the oven!  Don’t even get me started on ‘sending people to Coventry’ mum once told me to send my brother to coventry when he was annoying me, i was like how on earth am I going to get him there?! How are people supposed to understand these bizarre sayings? Is there some sort of book people read that no one has told me about?

I will leave you with a video if I can upload it.  Its just the result of what happens when I’m let lose at cultural places.

video

video

My next blog will be some more car incidents along with some very useful advice including what NOT to do when been chased down the motorway by the police…