Sunday, 22 May 2011

Words and Phrases

Am I the only one that gets their words and phrases confused?  I am constantly getting myself in a muddle, sometimes people correct you and other times they say nothing but look at you a little oddly, a little like the time at school when I sucked the wrong end of my pen and got a blue mouth.

The other week at work I was chatting with some colleagues about ways she can find another job, I then suggested she elope to a sunny place as I’m sure there’s lots of work going there, I got a really odd look back, turned out I meant emigrate.

While working as a conference assistant I got confused with the coffee jargon…
Conference delegate “Could I have a white coffee please?’’
Me “I’m really sorry but we only have the normal brown coffee or you could have it black?”
Conference delegate “You don’t do white coffee?”
Me “Well I can ask my manager but I really don’t think we do, we have herbal teas if you would prefer?”
Conference delegate “you don’t have milk?”
Me “yes milks just over there, you can help u can help yourself”
Conference delegate “so I can have a white coffee”
Me “I’m really sorry I don’t understand what you want, all our coffee is brown”
Conference delegate “coffee with milk”
Me *penny drops* “I understand now, sorry I don’t drink tea or coffee I don’t understand the lingo, I’ll just get one now for you”

The below happened during a recent hospital stay:
Nurse type bloke “ have you spent a penny today?”
Me “have I spent a what now?”
Nurse type bloke “a penny”
Me “A penny, no I’ve not spent anything today I don’t understand”
Nurse type bloke “ok have you been for a wee”
Me “Ahhhh yes, yes I have thank you”

During a recent conversation with a friend (whose name has been slightly altered to maintain her privacy) I took a question slightly too literally…
Me “I’m writing my blog but I’m getting a bit of writers block!”
Sammy Gangster “what you writing it on?”
Me “Well I write it in word then upload it to the blog”
Sammy Gangster “what hair colour are you?” “are you still brunette?”
Me “i am!”
Sammy Gangster “cause when I asked what you were writing it on, I meant the topic HAHAHA so you should really be blonde ;);)
Me “HAHAHAH!!!!! I’m laughing, god I’m so stupid sometimes”
Sammy Gangster “I did literally laugh when you wrote that, I was like, O dear!!”
Me “LOL I think some people think seriously can she be that bad, but clearly I am, and in answer to your question I’m writing it on misunderstandings of words ironically!”

I have also been known to tell someone that a friend is going to pop her clogs when turned out the phrase I was looking for was bun in the oven!  Don’t even get me started on ‘sending people to Coventry’ mum once told me to send my brother to coventry when he was annoying me, i was like how on earth am I going to get him there?! How are people supposed to understand these bizarre sayings? Is there some sort of book people read that no one has told me about?

I will leave you with a video if I can upload it.  Its just the result of what happens when I’m let lose at cultural places.

My next blog will be some more car incidents along with some very useful advice including what NOT to do when been chased down the motorway by the police…


Kiz said...

I have real trouble accepting that all of the above happened...The coffee cant be..THAT clueless...Can you? Really? Black or Brown?

Its..just....erm... *sighs* wow. Just wow lol . I LOVE it X

Mc Clarey said...

But Kiz you have to remember I don't drink coffee or tea I was 18 at the time and had never heard anyone refer to a coffee as white!!! But yes, there are some quite significant gaps in my knowledge sometimes. During our family sunday lunch we were talking about animals and then raindeers and I thought raindeers only lived in the north pole!

Emmie said...
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Emmie said...
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Emmie said...

Hi Kiz, I can assure you that did happen, along with all the other crazy things Clare writes about in this blog. I really wish she would write a book! Scarily Clare is the future of our country and has a University degree to prove her intelligence. She is also pretty bad at spelling - hence "raindeer" ;o)

Clare - thanks for making me giggle so much even though I'd heard some of these before! You are just THE BEST. May be I could get the Queen to give you an award or something? xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S: I'd also like to tell the public that you assured me (following passing biology A-level with flying colours) that you didn't have any muscles in your body because "you weren't into keep fit". Priceless. Just priceless xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Love the Coffee story. You really are the shark of all sharks.

Shelley!! :))) said...

Clare You are actually hilarious, and I have no doubt in my mind that this stuff happened!

I worry that you come across very Autistic sometimes!

keep up the stupidness though dear, if for nothing else...our entertainment! xx