Sunday, 31 May 2009

Flashing on Trains

I went to visit a friend last week, Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian. It was a lovely day and we enjoyed a nice picnic. I did get chased by a fat duck which I didn’t enjoy but nevertheless it was a lovely day. On my way back to the Borough I asked a nice woman on the information desk at the station if she could tell me how to get to Peterborough. She looked at me oddly but that may have been because I was humming the Sesame Street Song, but I changed the lyrics in my head to Peterborough it went like this,

“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to PETERBOROUGH!”

Goodness knows how my song writing skills have been overlooked for so long. Had I been able to write our Eurovision song I think we could have been onto a winner.

As I got on my train and sat on my seat, I noticed a few people were staring at me but I thought that was due to my Simon Cowell teeth. They do glow a bit in certain lighting. There was a bit of an incident regarding our toothpaste when I was away. Turns out me and Sammy Mc Coxinian have been cleaning our teeth with extreme whitening gel for the last two months. I have been trying to understand how such a mistake happened but have yet to conclude on that one.

Anyway, the ticket man came and I noticed him looking at me strangely and also noticed his eyes staring a little south from my face. I thought he was a bit of a perve, until I happened to glance down and notice my new top from H&M had fallen right down and was resting on my stomach. My brown tights were pulled up to just under my off-white strapless grotty bra all of which were on full show. Why did no one tell me? People of Sheffield, you let me down.

Trains have never been my strong point, I have a history of getting on the wrong trains, I have a history of ‘forgetting’ to pay, and now thanks to H&M’s poor quality I have a history of flashing.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

A message

This is a message to all men. When you use toilets, especially unisex large toilets please can you put the lid back because I tried to sit on a toilet seat earlier this week and ended up in it.

I probably should have checked the seat was down before I sat on it.

I probably should have better balance.

I probably could have waited until I got home.

But I didn’t and as a result I ended up with a wet bum.

That is all.