The one with the Cleaner and the Chicken Fillet

After an unexpected admission to hospital last June I sent mummy shark home to pack some bags for me.  Unfortunately I had just been on Holiday so all my favourite things were still dirty in my suitcase, but as I was in hospital looking good wasn’t high on my list of priorities.  Mummy shark came back with a bag full of the important things, pj’s, towels, toothbrush, clothes etc.  Trouble was she’d picked up my new Primark bra with air based chicken fillets in it. I removed the air fillets and put them in the bag.  I was a bit scared of wearing them and one boob suddenly going pop, and knowing my track record of embarrassing situations I’m sure if it was going to happen to anyone it would be me.  But still, I thought I’d keep them.  There is a lake at the end of our road and if someone drowns I can throw them a fillet as a buoyancy aid!  Or if I wanted to play catch in a room with lots of valuables the air fillet could be handy. You do never know when they might come in useful.  I would advise all readers to have a few ‘just in case’.  Anyway few days later the cleaner was cleaning my floor with a funny looking mop thing when she stopped and stared at the floor looking a bit bemused.  That was when I noticed one of my fillets had fallen out of my bag and was been swept around the floor!  I then had to explain that it was actually a chicken fillet from a bra and yes I do want to keep it.  Not embarrassing at all…

Words and Phrases

Am I the only one that gets their words and phrases confused?  I am constantly getting myself in a muddle, sometimes people correct you and other times they say nothing but look at you a little oddly, a little like the time at school when I sucked the wrong end of my pen and got a blue mouth.

The other week at work I was chatting with some colleagues about ways she can find another job, I then suggested she elope to a sunny place as I’m sure there’s lots of work going there, I got a really odd look back, turned out I meant emigrate.

While working as a conference assistant I got confused with the coffee jargon…

Conference delegate “Could I have a white coffee please?’’

Me “I’m really sorry but we only have the normal brown coffee or you could have it black?”

Conference delegate “You don’t do white coffee?”
Me “Well I can ask my manager but I really don’t think we do, we have herbal teas if you would prefer?”
Conference delegate “you don’t have milk?”
Me “yes milks just over there, you can help u can help yourself”
Conference delegate “so I can have a white coffee”
Me “I’m really sorry I don’t understand what you want, all our coffee is brown”
Conference delegate “coffee with milk”
Me *penny drops* “I understand now, sorry I don’t drink tea or coffee I don’t understand the lingo, I’ll just get one now for you”

The below happened during a recent hospital stay:
Nurse type bloke “ have you spent a penny today?”
Me “have I spent a what now?”
Nurse type bloke “a penny”
Me “A penny, no I’ve not spent anything today I don’t understand”
Nurse type bloke “ok have you been for a wee”
Me “Ahhhh yes, yes I have thank you”

During a recent conversation with a friend (whose name has been slightly altered to maintain her privacy) I took a question slightly too literally…

Me “I’m writing my blog but I’m getting a bit of writers block!”

Sammy Gangster “what you writing it on?”

Me “Well I write it in word then upload it to the blog”

Sammy Gangster “what hair colour are you?” “are you still brunette?”

Me “i am!”

Sammy Gangster “cause when I asked what you were writing it on, I meant the topic HAHAHA so you should really be blonde ;)

Me “HAHAHAH!!!!! I’m laughing, god I’m so stupid sometimes”

Sammy Gangster “I did literally laugh when you wrote that, I was like, O dear!!”

Me “LOL I think some people think seriously can she be that bad, but clearly I am, and in answer to your question I’m writing it on misunderstandings of words ironically!”

I have also been known to tell someone that a friend is going to pop her clogs when turned out the phrase I was looking for was bun in the oven!  Don’t even get me started on ‘sending people to Coventry’ mum once told me to send my brother to coventry when he was annoying me, i was like how on earth am I going to get him there?! How are people supposed to understand these bizarre sayings? Is there some sort of book people read that no one has told me about?

I will leave you with a video if I can upload it.  Its just the result of what happens when I’m let lose at cultural places.

My next blog will be some more car incidents along with some very useful advice including what NOT to do when been chased down the motorway by the police…

Interview Advice

Since the job market is considerably more competitive I thought I would offer some interview advice.  I think it would be safe to say I’ve had my fair share of interview nightmares.  The following are a few handy do’s and don’ts which should prevent the following awkward situations:

1) Always make sure you know what your entrance and exit routes are, especially in cafés and restaurants that might not show you out.  Failure to do so, can, and has resulted in me thinking I’m going through the door that leads to the stairs but actually ended up in the kitchen, I promptly realise my mistake leave the kitchen then turn to go through the other door which incidentally leads to the toilets. Third time lucky I finally get the door to the stairs, while the bloke that interviewed me has remained in the restaurant and watched the entire thing.

2) When asked why you have a few gaps in your CV do not respond with “Oh sorry,  have I?  I must have pressed the space bar too much, I did try and get it on two pages” What they actually mean is that there are a few areas which your experience is a little hazy and you haven’t demonstrated all your work experience particularly well.

3) If they call you up and say “we would like to see you for an informal chat about the job” this does not mean its ok to turn up in your jeans and casual jumper with a New Look shopping bag and some Pick n Mix.  What they really mean is, were not sending you an official interview letter, but it is an interview all the same, and the chap before you will be suited and booted with a brief case!

4) When asked about what you know about the company always do thorough research and not just what you see in the information book in the reception, failure to do adequate research will result in the following:
Interviewers: “So Clare, what do you know about the Abode Hotel?”
Me: (Feeling chuffed I know the answer to this one…) “I know you’re owned my Michael Cain”
Interviewers: “Yes that’s right we are, and do you know who Michael Cain is?”
Me: “Yes, Yes I do…he’s an actor, he’s quite famous!”

Interviewers: “What’s he in then?”
Me: “Erm, well, erm, films? Yeah he’s in films, he’s a filmstar. He’s in erm…..*desperately trying to think of a film…any film*…jaws?
Interviewers: (laughing) Yes we are owned by Michael Cain, and Yes Michael Cain is an actor, but no, we are not owned by the Hollywood actor Michael Cain but Michael Cain the professional Chef…and no Actor Michael Cain is not in jaws”
Me: *Nodding* That does make sense, I did wonder what Michael Cain would want with a hotel.

5) If you get asked the question “where do you see yourself in 5 years time” they are looking for evidence that you are ambitious and would like to develop within the company. Replying with “well actually, you know what, I’d love to be sky diving, I’ve always wanted to do one, so yeah I’d like to be on a beach sky diving in 5 years that would be great”  isn’t the best idea.  They will smile, nod, raise their eyebrows and respond with… “okkkaaaaay moving on….”

6) When asked a question “Are you good with geography” responding with “well actually I was at the pub quiz on Sunday and I correctly matched all the post codes to the areas, so yeah I think I am” may not be the best answer to the question, they will proceed to fire random post codes at you to name the city, and yes, you will get every single one of them wrong!

Unfortunately all of the above really did happen, but I can confirm that I am in employment and have *almost* learnt from my mistakes.  

Coinciding with all this wedding talk happening at the moment, I will leave you with a picture which I hope will remind all bridesmaids that even when you think your not been photographed, you probably are, and therefore, any embarrassing face you pull will be picked up on the official photos…………

Why I love the milk float ...

Well well well, it HAS been a long time since I updated.  I am going to share a storey with you about my near death experience that happened whilst living in Canterbury. 

My life was saved by a milk float.  That’s right people I owe my life to a milkman and his rickety old milk float. 

Let me set the scene…. It’s 3.30am I am wondering home with Maria McGilesinian.  We are lost.  So lost. We’ve recently moved house and we’ve not too familiar with the roads especially in the dark.  It’s late.  It’s cold.  It’s a dangerous world out there.  Especially for a shark like myself.  People often do not understand that I am a shark with a heart.  When I’m on dry land I cannot rely on my mermaids to protect me.  I thought I would never get home, we tried everything; rubbing a street lamp in the hope a genie might appear, clicking our shoes together chanting “there’s no place like home”, I dropped a penny on the floor in the hope it would bring me good luck, I even raided the bins for a chicken foot.  And then, just as I was about to engrave my will onto my fin and admit defeat, a milk float approached, it slowed down, the driver looked at us, smiled and asked if we were ok.  We explained how we were lost, very lost.  We gave our address and he chuckled to himself and said get on. I dread to think what would have happened had that milk float not appeared.  A world without McCruickshark just doesn’t bare thinking about.   So on we hopped to this nice milk float, he then drives…literally just round the corner….and there before us was our lovely new home with the nice black door.  A little embarrassed at how close we were, but still managed to nab ourselves two free bottles of milk.  We get inside, relieved to be in the warmth and rest our tired little feet, and I go to put the milk in the fridge… CRASH BANG WALLOP… that’s right I’d forgotten about that step into the kitchen and fallen flat on my face covered in milk.

From that day onwards whenever we went out we left a trail of bread crumbs just like Hansel and Gretel.  Worse case if the trail doesn’t lead us to our house least I get a house made of cakes and sweets.

The time I got in the wrong car (!)

Yes folks, I have indeed fallen victim to the rare but still very traumatic 'I get confused which is my car syndrome'.

Let me explain... I had just experienced Point 3 from my petrol station madness post. So was, understandably, a little flustered. I'd parked at Tesco, gone to get a few bits and pieces in a rush, hurried back to 'my' car and decided to eat my sushi box before I drive home. I looked down and saw the gear stick, a really nice, sort of sparkly gear stick. Then I looked at my nice clean, somewhat bigger than I thought, dashboard and began to feel really quite satisfied with my car. My seat was comfy, my dashboard was large, there was a rather nice smell and I had sparkles on my gear stick!

So there I sat, munching away on my sushi and started to think about my life and how I clearly don't appreciate the things I have. Just as I was about to discard my sushi box onto my passenger floor I noticed something. The floor was clean...there was definitely something wrong. Something very very wrong. That was when it dawned on me, after 10 minutes of me re evaluating my life and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside knowing things clearly aren't as bad as I think, it turns out I'm not in my car at all.

Then I saw my knackered little Corsa parked next to this snazzy little number. I get in my car, discard MY sushi box on MY floor, and drive home safe in the knowledge that my car is in fact a shit heap, things are as they seem in my life and you can get sparkly accessories for gear sticks!

Wanted!!!

A rare opportunity has become available in my tank...

I am looking for a male shark who is tall with dark eyes and thick brown curly hair. You must be available on a Sunday preferably afternoons to accompany me on nice walks.

If you are rich and a good cook that would be an advantage, but I will accept applicants with a willingness to rob a bank and enroll on a cookery course.

Previous petrol station experience is essential, along with a functional sat nav which I can use.

Please be aware that I am a very busy person and this excellent opportunity is only available on a Sunday and for a trial period of time over the summer, extensions may be considered if your lucky.

All succesful aplicants will be contacted and asked to atend the interviews scheduled for the 31st April.

Due to equal opportunities I am unable to discriminate but I would strongly advise people who are either poor, bald, shorter than 5''4, female, or have a Rhino allergy not to bother. I think we can safely say your application will be lost in the Atlantic.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Petrol Station Madness

I'm beginning to think perhaps I'm just not cut out for driving. Let me share with you a sequence of events...

Petrol Stations. They have previously been the source of sever embarrassment for me:

1) I have driven into the petrol pumps.

2) I have parked so far away from the pump that it wouldn't stretch far enough to reach the hole thing where the petrol goes in. Ended up practically straddling the pump trying to stretch it around.

3) I have got to the petrol station tried, for a good 15 minutes to open my petrol cap only to fail. I even attempted to prize it open with my bare hands which incidentally made my fingers bleed, in the end I gave up and drove home. It was later confirmed, by someone with a functional brain, that there is a) nothing wrong with my car, and b) that I actually need to unlock my petrol cap before attempting to open it.

4) Been so heavy handed with my petrol cap that it snapped right off in my hands.

5)Parked so close to the pump that after a huge struggle to get out of the car I couldn't for the life of me get back in. I mean I was SERIOUSLY close to the pump. It was embarrassing. People were waiting for my pump but I just couldn't squeeze in. So yes, I admit it, I climbed through my window whilst in a mini denim skirt. I laughed. The people waiting for the pump were laughing. And when I got home and shared this with my family, they not only laughed but also pointed out that I could have just gone through the passenger door.

So to conclude, those mini clips you find on you tube with people causing all sorts of chaos at petrol stations are real, and more than likely ME!