A few disasters and some handy travelling tips.

I thought I was having a better 'office' week this week. Until Friday. I was the last to leave, and I was told to make sure I shut and lock the filing cabinets, turn off all the lights, turn off the radio, turn off the printer, shut and lock the windows, and set the phones onto answerphone only.

I did manage to lock the filing cabinets, but I have just noticed the keys are in my work bag and NOT the communal office drawer. wooops.

I shut the windows but couldn't for the life of my work out how to lock them. There were no keys, and if there was a lock it was bloody well hidden.

I couldn't put my phone on answerphone only. I tried. I really did. I even accidentally did last number redial and ended up speaking to a nice Irish man. The phones have probably been ringing all weekend.

I also couldn't find the 'off' button for the printer. Seriously I was pushing every button there but not one single one turned the damn thing off. I even tried to follow the wire so I could un-plug it. But I just couldn't follow it. The printer will be on all bank holiday weekend.

I was scared they would be a little cross with me on Tuesday, so I grabbed a post it note, and wrote a little message.... " I'm sorry, I couldn't handle it :( " I better get there very early on Monday and sort this mess out!

At least I turned off the lights and the radio.

That is all for today. I will leave you with some handy travelling tips I learnt this weekend. Enjoy the bank holiday Monday. I brought a cool new winter coat today so if I'm honest I'm rather hoping it snows.

1) When making a journey allow adequate preparation time, 45 minutes is not long enough.

2) When looking for the underground at Kings Cross do not wonder out of the station into a building site. There's no trains there.

3) ALWAYS check whether the tubes are going north or south, east or west. Simply following colours is not enough.

4) If you need the toilet, do it on the train because other wise it costs you 30p for the privilege.

Toodles.

*NEWSFLASH* - Happy 1millionth to Brad McHarrision. Brad Harrision is currently enjoying a fabulous party. A fabulous party for a fabulous, albeit slightly clumsy man :D.

Some of you may or may not be aware that I, Sharkypants, have recently started a new job. In an office, as an ''admin assistant'' at the regional headquarters of a charity. Or in other slightly less fancy words, I am a paper pusher!

I have now completed my second week, and so far it has gone fairly well, apart from a few minor issues, all of which happened yesterday.

I am still not entirely sure what I am supposed to do in the office. I have spent a large amount of time on solitaire, hearts, freecell. Not minesweeper, I have never understood that game. My boss on numerous occasions asks me if I am OK and if I need any help with my 'work'. I always say that I'm doing OK and I don't need any help (well solitaire is a fairly simple game). However, I am beginning to get concerned about the work they think I'm doing. I fear I may well be fired once they find out I am a fraud!

I had a meeting on Thursday. Everyone else took pens, paper etc. I took a Capri sun and an orange.

I was asked to file away some files on Friday. It was a relatively simple task. But I messed up. I panicked. They are now all hidden in my desk drawer untill I find out a solution.

I did some photocopying. But I hit a button by accident and it started churning out page after page of what appeared to be nonsense. I tried to push 'stop' but it didn't stop. When I left at 4.45 I went past the photocopy room and it was still going.

If there's nothing left of the amazon by Monday please do not send any angry tree hugging hippies to me.

I'm off for a relaxing Saturday night swim.

Toodle pips !

*Once again please note all names have been slightly altered partly for anonymity and partly because I like doing it*

My Operation Was a Success

I have had a very exciting weekend. It began with a 'BBQ' on Saturday night for my friend Alfdawg's 21st, which, due to the unforeseen weather problems, turned into a yummy salad selection with some very tasty desserts. There was rather a lot of wine and other alcoholic beverages consumed. The evening ended with me, Sammy McCoxinain, and Mazzi Drizzle passing out inside our rather smelly tent. Which we attempted to put up with only 4 pegs. Which apparently was not enough. I half expected to wake up in Narnia, fortunately for me, the tent did not blow away. I woke up to pouring rain and a rather bad back, but it was worth it. I managed to contain my theft addiction, and as much as I enjoyed the home made meringues, I didn't steal a single one. I just ate them all instead. But I think that's progress. I had to spoil myself, since I was celebrating my final night of humanhood.

Then in the morning, whilst still in an alcohol induced state I travelled down, with Sammy McCoxinian to Harley Street, where we met with our surgeon, Harold. I was his first ever Human/Shark conversion. He was very nervous. He had done a few mermaids before so Sammy McCoxinian's surgery was fairly straight froward. But never a shark.

Anyway, I must admit, I was nervous as I had to undergo my pledge of allegiance to the sharks. I had to skip around a picture of the Atlantic and promise to be loyal to the cause of shark hood. I underwent my final test, which involved general shark trivia before I finally had to produce my full shark-swim licence then it was full steam ahead to the operating theatre. I double checked with Harold that he was going for a great white. I was worried he might confuse me with Sharon Ozbourne who is still hoping to become a hammer head within the next few months.

Well, I am pleased to inform you all that my surgery has been a total success. I am scheduled to be placed within the Atlantic sometime during the next few days. My fin is a little on the sore side, but other than that I am one happy little shark. I will leave you with a picture of me in my special tank at Harley street.

*All names have been slightly altered in order to maintain their anonymity*

The Bus...

The bus is a local city council bus. It smells of wee. I'm the only person that ever gets it, so I hope its not actually me that smells like wee.
Anyway, there are two bus drivers which alternate, both middle/old aged men.
So I get on I smile and politely natter away to them in the hope that they will drop me off outside my work instead of at the actual bus stop which involves a 10min walk. I have been making my skirts a bit shorter, and my tops a bit tighter and most days it works.
Today however, I rushed out of work in time to catch the bus. I almost had to run. When I got to the bus stop I relaxed a bit, and realised I had a wedgie. Stupid cheap asda knickers. So I take a look at the traffic. There's no-one there. But I'm in a mini skirt and tights...its not easy to 'fix'. Sadly I decided to be brave and go for a quick and sneaky pluck of the underwear. I turned away from traffic, did the deed, I fumbled a bit and lets just say it was neither quick nor discrete. Then I hear...BEEP BEEP BEEP. I turn around. Yep. Its the sodding bus. He pulls in, grins and says ''itchy... worms?'' I say ''no just cheap knickers'' and take my seat.
Here's hoping the nice flash of my sharky rear will give me free lifts every day.

I will keep you informed.

People at work don't seem to take me seriously, I've done my best to look intelligent...

Back on dry land.

I'm used to the exciting life in the Atlantic, life on land is just not as fun. As much as I try and find exciting things to do each day, it begins to get tricky.

Take today for example. I received my deposit back from my uni house, so decided I could go into town and pay in the cheque. My bus journey was quick. Town was quiet. There was no queue at the bank. At this rate I was going to be finished within an hour. Something snapped inside my head as I arrived at the cashier's window, and for some reason, I decided to put my cheques back in my bag and pretend I wanted to close my account. The conversation went something like this:

Me: ''I would like to close my account please"
Cashier: "OK do you have your card with you?"
Me: "No, sorry" - (I do really. Its in my back pocket. I'm just bored.)
Cashier: "I'm afraid we can't close your account without your card"
Me: "Oh right. I don't have a card anymore I lost it out at sea"
Cashier: (smiles) "Hmm right ok, well you need to go back to reception and explain the situation to them"
Me: "Ok, will do, Thank you very much"

So I went to the reception. Spoke to a different lady, sat on a comfy chair, I couldn't help but giggle a bit at how funny the situation was, I kept forgetting I was the only person in on the joke. Anyway, before I realised that I hadn't really thought the situation through properly, I had closed down my entire account. Then I was told to go back to the cashier, hand in a slip, and there, just like that, I was given, in cash, the entire contents of my bank account.

I no longer bank with Natwest.

I have also decided I would like some free fashion advice, so I am sending this picture off to Trinny and Susannah:
I do hope they can help. I just never seem to get my outfits quite right.

News from the Atlantic...

As you can see from the above picture, I have been keeping busy in the Atlantic. Following on from my Madridian sweet stealing escapades it would appear the Madridian police were not happy at all. Not one bit. I received a telephone call instructing me to returin to Madridian with ALL the stolen goods, report to the police station, and await a formal interview. I was scared. I'd already eaten four. I did not want to be photographed, finger printed and strip searched.

So, with the help of my trusty shark Borris McKingstinian and my good friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, and to protect her from the Madridian police, will be referred to as 'Sammypops McCoxinian', I escaped.

This post is coming to you from the depths of the Atlantic, Borris McKingstinian is protecting me from those pesky dolphins. Our mortal enemy. I am trying to speed up my human - shark conversion surgery because I am not so well camouflaged.

In case anyone is worried about my friend 'Sammypops McCoxinian' she is scheduled in for mermaid surgery within the next few days.

Spanish People...

They are interesting. Why is it that no matter how many times I said to them ''I'm English...I do not understand...'' they still insisted on speaking to me in Spanish really loud and really fast?! As funny as it was, it was a bit embarrassing and it did result in me and my friend, who, for the purpose of confidentiality, shall be known as 'Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian', to run out of various shops, hotels, and restaurants in fits of giggles.

Anyway, I was somewhat disappointed when I arrived at Madrid to find there was no seaside in sight! I just presumed all of Spain was coastal. And I did have it in my head as Costa Madridian. Geography's not my strong point. But I learnt that there is a palace and a cathedral there, and also that the Spanish people do not find it funny when you take photos of yourself next to the religious statues imitating their poses.

Another thing I have recently learnt is that big pads of A4 sized lined writing paper are called, and pronounced as 'refill' pads, and not pronounced 'rifle' pad. Why thought it was rifle I will never know. Why on earth did someone not tell me sooner?!

It also appears that my dabbling in petty theft at my graduation is beginning to get out of control. Our hotel had two little bowls of sweets on the front desk. I began by just stealing one or two at a time, but then, as I was leaving I couldn't help but empty the entire bowl of sweets in my bag. Twice. I panicked as I went through customs following the 'nothing to declare sign' knowing that I was in possession of stolen goods. If you don't hear from me its because the Madrid police have hunted me down and extradited me back for sentencing.