A rare opportunity has become available in my tank...
I am looking for a male shark who is tall with dark eyes and thick brown curly hair. You must be available on a Sunday preferably afternoons to accompany me on nice walks.
If you are rich and a good cook that would be an advantage, but I will accept applicants with a willingness to rob a bank and enroll on a cookery course.
Previous petrol station experience is essential, along with a functional sat nav which I can use.
Please be aware that I am a very busy person and this excellent opportunity is only available on a Sunday and for a trial period of time over the summer, extensions may be considered if your lucky.
All succesful aplicants will be contacted and asked to atend the interviews scheduled for the 31st April.
Due to equal opportunities I am unable to discriminate but I would strongly advise people who are either poor, bald, shorter than 5''4, female, or have a Rhino allergy not to bother. I think we can safely say your application will be lost in the Atlantic.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Petrol Station Madness
I'm beginning to think perhaps I'm just not cut out for driving. Let me share with you a sequence of events...
Petrol Stations. They have previously been the source of sever embarrassment for me:
1) I have driven into the petrol pumps.
2) I have parked so far away from the pump that it wouldn't stretch far enough to reach the hole thing where the petrol goes in. Ended up practically straddling the pump trying to stretch it around.
3) I have got to the petrol station tried, for a good 15 minutes to open my petrol cap only to fail. I even attempted to prize it open with my bare hands which incidentally made my fingers bleed, in the end I gave up and drove home. It was later confirmed, by someone with a functional brain, that there is a) nothing wrong with my car, and b) that I actually need to unlock my petrol cap before attempting to open it.
4) Been so heavy handed with my petrol cap that it snapped right off in my hands.
5)Parked so close to the pump that after a huge struggle to get out of the car I couldn't for the life of me get back in. I mean I was SERIOUSLY close to the pump. It was embarrassing. People were waiting for my pump but I just couldn't squeeze in. So yes, I admit it, I climbed through my window whilst in a mini denim skirt. I laughed. The people waiting for the pump were laughing. And when I got home and shared this with my family, they not only laughed but also pointed out that I could have just gone through the passenger door.
So to conclude, those mini clips you find on you tube with people causing all sorts of chaos at petrol stations are real, and more than likely ME!
Petrol Stations. They have previously been the source of sever embarrassment for me:
1) I have driven into the petrol pumps.
2) I have parked so far away from the pump that it wouldn't stretch far enough to reach the hole thing where the petrol goes in. Ended up practically straddling the pump trying to stretch it around.
3) I have got to the petrol station tried, for a good 15 minutes to open my petrol cap only to fail. I even attempted to prize it open with my bare hands which incidentally made my fingers bleed, in the end I gave up and drove home. It was later confirmed, by someone with a functional brain, that there is a) nothing wrong with my car, and b) that I actually need to unlock my petrol cap before attempting to open it.
4) Been so heavy handed with my petrol cap that it snapped right off in my hands.
5)Parked so close to the pump that after a huge struggle to get out of the car I couldn't for the life of me get back in. I mean I was SERIOUSLY close to the pump. It was embarrassing. People were waiting for my pump but I just couldn't squeeze in. So yes, I admit it, I climbed through my window whilst in a mini denim skirt. I laughed. The people waiting for the pump were laughing. And when I got home and shared this with my family, they not only laughed but also pointed out that I could have just gone through the passenger door.
So to conclude, those mini clips you find on you tube with people causing all sorts of chaos at petrol stations are real, and more than likely ME!
Thursday, 28 January 2010
23 years old and still can't dress myself.
Well it's now 2010 and I have been officially awful at updating this blog, but alas I am back and ready to entertain.
Firstly a little update, I am, unfortunately, still human, but I noticed some of my teeth are beginning to go a bit more pointy and shark like. It's a slow process changing into a shark, but it will be worth the wait. My Australian tan has now vanished, and my teeth are back to normal colour. Turned out the whitening gel wasn't permanent thank goodness. I haven't had any more train disasters, partly due to the purchase of a car. That's right people, I am on the roads and yes you should beware I'm a terrible driver.
I have been having a few problems with my clothing recently. I'm now managing to dress myself okay and have had no more flashing incidents, but its when I come to remove my clothes everything falls apart. A little while back I was planning my outfit for a weekend away, and thought I'd give one of my newish dresses a trial. So I put it on, did the usual twists and turns in the mirror and decided it was a maybe. Went to take it off, and couldn't for the life of me get it off, I tried everything, every odd position I could think off, nothing. The result? I slept in it, wore it to work, wore it to my friends, slept in it again, got drunk, confessed to friends that said dress is stuck. It took three people to get it off me. I knelt on the floor, hands over my head. One friend stood on the bed pulling one side, another friend pulling the other side and the third friend assisting with the bottom of the dress.
I thought I had put that episode behind me. I really thought I had. Until about two weeks ago, I was getting ready for work, I put on my coat, did up the zip, and the zip started coming apart from the bottom. I tried to take it off but couldn't, and I really didn't have the time to keep trying as I was running late. Our office at work is usually cold I thought I could get away with it. So I arrive to work, and manage an hour before starting to feel really quite hot. Eventually I had to seek assistance. But this time I knew the routine, bend legs, arms above head, coat off, self respect...gone. It's a little like the hokey cokey ''knees bent, arms stretched, raa raa raa''
That is all for now.
Firstly a little update, I am, unfortunately, still human, but I noticed some of my teeth are beginning to go a bit more pointy and shark like. It's a slow process changing into a shark, but it will be worth the wait. My Australian tan has now vanished, and my teeth are back to normal colour. Turned out the whitening gel wasn't permanent thank goodness. I haven't had any more train disasters, partly due to the purchase of a car. That's right people, I am on the roads and yes you should beware I'm a terrible driver.
I have been having a few problems with my clothing recently. I'm now managing to dress myself okay and have had no more flashing incidents, but its when I come to remove my clothes everything falls apart. A little while back I was planning my outfit for a weekend away, and thought I'd give one of my newish dresses a trial. So I put it on, did the usual twists and turns in the mirror and decided it was a maybe. Went to take it off, and couldn't for the life of me get it off, I tried everything, every odd position I could think off, nothing. The result? I slept in it, wore it to work, wore it to my friends, slept in it again, got drunk, confessed to friends that said dress is stuck. It took three people to get it off me. I knelt on the floor, hands over my head. One friend stood on the bed pulling one side, another friend pulling the other side and the third friend assisting with the bottom of the dress.
I thought I had put that episode behind me. I really thought I had. Until about two weeks ago, I was getting ready for work, I put on my coat, did up the zip, and the zip started coming apart from the bottom. I tried to take it off but couldn't, and I really didn't have the time to keep trying as I was running late. Our office at work is usually cold I thought I could get away with it. So I arrive to work, and manage an hour before starting to feel really quite hot. Eventually I had to seek assistance. But this time I knew the routine, bend legs, arms above head, coat off, self respect...gone. It's a little like the hokey cokey ''knees bent, arms stretched, raa raa raa''
That is all for now.
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Flashing on Trains
I went to visit a friend last week, Catrinder McWinder Wiffendorinian. It was a lovely day and we enjoyed a nice picnic. I did get chased by a fat duck which I didn’t enjoy but nevertheless it was a lovely day. On my way back to the Borough I asked a nice woman on the information desk at the station if she could tell me how to get to Peterborough. She looked at me oddly but that may have been because I was humming the Sesame Street Song, but I changed the lyrics in my head to Peterborough it went like this,
“Can you tell me how to get, how to get to PETERBOROUGH!”
Goodness knows how my song writing skills have been overlooked for so long. Had I been able to write our Eurovision song I think we could have been onto a winner.
As I got on my train and sat on my seat, I noticed a few people were staring at me but I thought that was due to my Simon Cowell teeth. They do glow a bit in certain lighting. There was a bit of an incident regarding our toothpaste when I was away. Turns out me and Sammy Mc Coxinian have been cleaning our teeth with extreme whitening gel for the last two months. I have been trying to understand how such a mistake happened but have yet to conclude on that one.
Anyway, the ticket man came and I noticed him looking at me strangely and also noticed his eyes staring a little south from my face. I thought he was a bit of a perve, until I happened to glance down and notice my new top from H&M had fallen right down and was resting on my stomach. My brown tights were pulled up to just under my off-white strapless grotty bra all of which were on full show. Why did no one tell me? People of Sheffield, you let me down.
Trains have never been my strong point, I have a history of getting on the wrong trains, I have a history of ‘forgetting’ to pay, and now thanks to H&M’s poor quality I have a history of flashing.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
A message
This is a message to all men. When you use toilets, especially unisex large toilets please can you put the lid back because I tried to sit on a toilet seat earlier this week and ended up in it.
I probably should have checked the seat was down before I sat on it.
I probably should have better balance.
I probably could have waited until I got home.
But I didn’t and as a result I ended up with a wet bum.
That is all.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
G' Day
I have made a lifestyle decision that I am going to become one of those people that get to hold Koalas all day every day. They are so cute, especially when there stoned which is almost all the time, its like the perfect animal! I am also rather in love with Kangaroos, I got to feed them in the wild and it was the best thing ever. My travel buddy Samantha McCoxinan has decided to scrap being a lawyer and become a dolphin trainer, because the men are all gorgeous and there good with Dolphins and good with kids = the perfect man!
So far in Oz I've had a few unfortunate incidents regarding flashing and a weird foot fetish man that offered $1500 to suck on my toes and a few other rude things, I cant say I was impressed with that, I'm at least worth $5000.
I've seen wild dolphins and been swimming in shark infested waters with my sharky friends, I had a run in with a sea lion which involved the little bugger sneezing on me and covering me from head to toe in snot, and believe me those things have A LOT of snot in there noses! It was gross and it smelt, and if I'm honest I think I even swallowed a bit. I've been stung by a jellyfish, broken one camera so far and drank more goon than I think is humanly possible. I also got swept out to sea on a Kayak and had to be rescued because I got stuck in a storm, apparently they almost had to call search and rescue for me because I was so far out and I was holding my oar up because that's what you do when your in trouble but it was acting as a sail (which I didn't realise!) and was sending me further away, silly me !
I love Oz and think I might have to find a way to live here for ever and ever, the beaches are amazing, and the weather is the best its not even summer and it's boiling! I even have a bit of colour, and also a lot more cellulite, but I guess we can't have it all!
Toodle Pips!
So far in Oz I've had a few unfortunate incidents regarding flashing and a weird foot fetish man that offered $1500 to suck on my toes and a few other rude things, I cant say I was impressed with that, I'm at least worth $5000.
I've seen wild dolphins and been swimming in shark infested waters with my sharky friends, I had a run in with a sea lion which involved the little bugger sneezing on me and covering me from head to toe in snot, and believe me those things have A LOT of snot in there noses! It was gross and it smelt, and if I'm honest I think I even swallowed a bit. I've been stung by a jellyfish, broken one camera so far and drank more goon than I think is humanly possible. I also got swept out to sea on a Kayak and had to be rescued because I got stuck in a storm, apparently they almost had to call search and rescue for me because I was so far out and I was holding my oar up because that's what you do when your in trouble but it was acting as a sail (which I didn't realise!) and was sending me further away, silly me !
I love Oz and think I might have to find a way to live here for ever and ever, the beaches are amazing, and the weather is the best its not even summer and it's boiling! I even have a bit of colour, and also a lot more cellulite, but I guess we can't have it all!
Toodle Pips!
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Oz!
I thought I had better inform you all that the shark of all sharks is off on a little adventure to the land of Oz. Ever since my failed arson attempt in my office I've realised I'm a lot safer in the other side of the world.It has taken a lot of organisation and planning, which as many of you will know, is most definitely not my strong point. But I can finally announce that I am flight tested, insured, packed - with what appears to be the entire contents of a small pharmacy, and in possession of a valid passport.
I met my friend today for a coffee and a natter, we were chatting about how well I had done in getting everything sorted. She was both surprised and impressed. That was until it came to her second question...have you got your dollars. I totally forgot the money. It was all going so well. Question one...have you packed? Answer Yes. Question two...have you got your money? Answer SHIT...NO! I had a few dollars that people had given me but that was it. It just hadn't occurred to me that I might need money. Coffee was followed by a rather frantic trip to the Holiday Hypermarket where I purchased my dollars. I try and avoid the Holiday Hypermarket at all costs, me and my friend once thought it would be funny to ask for a plane ticket to Iraq. It turns out that the staff there didn't share our sense of humour.That is all for now, I will be back to inform you all of my REAL shark, jellyfish and kangaroo experiences so stay tuned its about to get fun!
I met my friend today for a coffee and a natter, we were chatting about how well I had done in getting everything sorted. She was both surprised and impressed. That was until it came to her second question...have you got your dollars. I totally forgot the money. It was all going so well. Question one...have you packed? Answer Yes. Question two...have you got your money? Answer SHIT...NO! I had a few dollars that people had given me but that was it. It just hadn't occurred to me that I might need money. Coffee was followed by a rather frantic trip to the Holiday Hypermarket where I purchased my dollars. I try and avoid the Holiday Hypermarket at all costs, me and my friend once thought it would be funny to ask for a plane ticket to Iraq. It turns out that the staff there didn't share our sense of humour.That is all for now, I will be back to inform you all of my REAL shark, jellyfish and kangaroo experiences so stay tuned its about to get fun!
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